Green Eggs & Ham Ain’t A Denny’s Grand Slam

This week I’m tapping into my 1980s kid moment and reviewing that timeless classic, Green Eggs And Ham by the beloved Dr. Seuss. For all of you that are not hip, it’s a prophetic saga about accepting substandard food quality wrapped around a stranger danger warning that you just can’t eat everybody’s cooking. In an era before DoorDash tampering, this 1960 classic is the pinnacle of children’s books, or how little American society at large thinks of a child’s ability to think about what they eat.

Now let’s get down and clown as adults.

When we start the book, a black hat wearing unnamed protagonist (who I’ll call Black) in an undisclosed location that we can’t tell is indoor or outdoor, is minding his own self business reading what appears to be a periodical. Black is interrupted by Sam, a red hat wearing antagonist who rudely tells him he’s Sam, both by mouth and advertisement.

Black goes off on his ass with a quickness, because he doesn’t like his pushy demeanor nor the animal creature he rode in on. Who would, holding up Wile E. Coyote type campaign sign that inexplicably flaunt your narcissism with your name in big ass print? Talk about not reading the room. Sam, who is completely oblivious to his own obnoxiousness, thinks Black’s playing hard to get on his friendship and offers him a plate of tasty green eggs and ham.

Pause. What the fuck all is wrong with Sam running around with moldy food? This is 1960 – wasn’t nobody using food coloring of the forest green type. Green anything in the fridge that wasn’t a vegetable is MOLD – Let’s start there.

Also, Sam and Black are fur naked. Neither of them have pockets and the only thing they wearing are hats. I’m having a hard time trying not think about where Sam pulled that stanking, steaming pile of green H.Pylori on a plate from. His bullying has zero end and his gaslighting seems to be on one hundred.

Now Sam, ever the friendly irritant, shoves this pile of green culinary cuisine of salmonella into his face with a device that would make cyberpunk lovers cream their pants. Disheartened at Black’s rejection that he just doesn’t like green eggs and ham, he goes overtime coming up with a plethora of situations that might make Black indulge at least once in Sam’s green tinted listeria offerings.

None of his suggestions are hygienic. Offering Black a stanking plate of green eggs and ham in a house with a mouse is love in a time of hantavirus, while serving Black in a box with a fox is just asking for a case of rabies that makes the Rage Virus in 28 Days/Weeks/Years look like child’s play with a chemistry set.

Sam just doesn’t stop there because he is literally STALKING Black at this point. He’s obviously a rich trust fund lipstick lesbian kid with a bright career ahead of him as a literary agent because he pulls a convertible out of his ass, that lands on top of a train to offer Black these green eggs and ham. When Black refutes his advances, the train, which has passengers and a goat on it, conveniently run out of track and crash into the sea where Sam shits out a boat and a fresh, undestroyed plate of these damn green eggs and ham. Talk about genetically modified with Apeel before it was fashionable. Those green eggs and ham made it through World Wars and didn’t even flinch!

Dude got more gadgets than Batman trying to get Black to eat these now waterproof green eggs and ham while people are drowning around them, including them. Black’s exhausted. Sam’s plotting a colonic so he has extra room to get the next big ticket item out of his colon. Defeated, Black eats the damn moldy food – AND HE LIKES IT.

No ma’am. Ain’t no way in hell you are literally going to enjoy some moldy shit being stalked by a psycho and then turn around, thank him, and try to be friends with his crazy ass after eating every morsel on the plate. That’s it, that’s all. They walk into the sunset hand in hand, bromancing on their love of the mold and mildew buffet that allegedly Black loves now.

I’m deeply troubled at this entire story. There were so many teachable moments that Black failed to learn from, and became a victim in the end by succumbing to the bullying. It is more than okay not to like something because it DOES NOT LOOK OR SMELL RIGHT. Sam has poisoned Black, and he’s having hallucinations or something. I’m fucking let down his liver didn’t explode and ooze out the green eggs and ham like the acid it probably was.

The moral of the story is, don’t try sample food from strangers in public places. Just don’t do it.