The Shit Kicker Kicks Shit 1966-2018

Hugh Janus, a retired landscaper who had a tendency to boast of being a serial killer after an intense Columbo marathon in psychiatric evaluation, passed away Wednesday. His remains were found at the bottom of an abandoned porta potty frequently soiled by neighborhood children too lazy to relieve themselves in an alley at the spoiled age of 52.

Surviving family members memorialize him as a sick fuck who should have been aborted before birth had their religion allowed it. Childhood friends putridly ascribe him as a weirdo who got his rocks off dissecting small animals for potluck appetizers. Primarily known for setting booby traps to harm kids who stepped on his grass, most folks are shockingly relieved Janus is the devil’s problem now.

The forgotten middle child of an undisclosed amount of siblings, Janus was conceived into a devout Evangelical family who generationally came from the gutter. Rumors abound he was the product of a consensual incest relationship, which other family members later inherited to him while scolding the tenants of their faith. Frequently left on the altar to pray away sin, his primary years were left despising his parents and siblings, plotting their slow, painful, imaginative deaths.

Reared without the benefit of public education, church sanctioned domestic violence provoked Janus’ lifelong ambition to cleanse the world of wickedness. Puberty proved to be his breaking point, as conflicted struggles with sexuality inadvertently alienated him from peers. A social reject, he crudely targeted classmates on the basis of race, creed, color, and sexual orientation, leading to a string of arrests for attempted murder before he turned eighteen.

Reoccurring stints in juvenile hall taught him the trade of wrangling farm animals. Probation afforded Janus a career transition shoveling pig manure participating in a work release program. Former co-workers say things were looking up for him learning the minimum wage trade until farm owners began investigating signs of sexual abuse with their dead livestock. An unfortunate event being caught in a compromising position with a necrotized pig left Janus blackballed in agriculture. Unemployed with few prospects, he hit the road for a life as a drifter.

Though a hobo for years, poor directional skills prohibited Janus from ever crossing beyond the county line. Reluctant networking with religious pillars of the community awarded him menial part-time jobs collecting cigarette butts and used condoms from popular parking spots. Brooding resentment from cleaning up sins he never indulged in provoked a nervous breakdown; before long Janus was arrested for indecent exposure impersonating a bird defecating from a tree above the church threshold.

Sentenced to psychiatric institutionalization instead of incarceration, Janus quickly became the ire of medical personnel tasked with his supervision. His mental state deteriorated further being heavily medicated; Prozac overdoses watching Columbo created delusions of serial killer grandeur with villain characterizations plagiarized from the series. Ignored animal cruelty followed, as an incessant need to convince fellow crazies of his misdeeds often included biting the heads off of squirrels and rats he caught around the confined premises.

A combination of prescribed psychotropic narcotics and mental health defunding from the state deemed him incorrigibly rehabilitated; transitioned into the custody of his parents Janus suffered mental anguish accepting church employment as a tagalong for door to door ministers spreading the gospel. Parishioners say after a baptismal in which Janus enthusiastically bit the heads off bats and doused church members in its blood as substitute holy water led to his mutual excommunication.

After applying for food stamps and subsequently denied, Janus procured a volunteer opportunity in soil redistribution services in the county. Former co-workers claim the part-time position ditch digging local access roads after rainstorms gave him ample time to indulge in landscaping. Interest turned into obsession and frequent run ins with the law; a series of rigged booby traps for kids who played near the pits of dirt and dead grass he honed his craft on led to several personal attacks from disgruntled parents who had tired of going broke on tetanus shots.

Charged with several misdemeanors and community service, donating dead pregnant opossums as a viable substitute for holiday turkeys led to a mutual termination of his charity work. Sources say during this period Janus radically supplemented his income as an all you can eat competitor at local restaurants. Business owners’ eager to exploit the bottomless pit of his intestinal track quickly gave him a career as a human garbage disposal with no liability to his health. Janus, eager to prove the wickedness of gluttony, graciously indulged without insurance.

Board of heath officially say Janus became a deranged foodie celebrity in his own right, willing and able to eat uncooked fresh entrails from a variety of inedible animals not fit for human consumption due to disease or expiring at old age. His popularity worsened as discarded carcasses from neighboring zoos and farms integrated into his diet; parasites, worms, and a nasty bout with rabies did little to slow him down in his new profession and reaffirmed his faith he was simply doing God’s work.

Ranchers eager to illegally dispose of mules infected with hoofing mouth disease implored Janus’ unique services with a proposition to pay him by the pound for handling their problem. Sources say within three days he ate enough rigor mortis meat to feed a small village off the coast of the River Styx, killing and consuming a few hundred pounds of flesh and organs. Such a spread took days of unresponsive digestion and irritable bowel movements.

Hugh Janus died as he lived, covered in shit as others kept their distance from the stench. Eyewitness accounts from the day of his disappearance say they enjoyed watching the side effects of gastroesophageal reflux pains he endured after publicly ingesting more than the recommended dosage of laxatives; sources say he was last seen clutching his lower extremities as projectile fecal matter soiled his good pair of overalls. His death is a haunting reminder that not carrying wet wipes after consuming negotiated leftovers is the ultimate gluttonous sin.