The Quest Of Freedom For Slave Digest

Slaves Digest, the antiquated chattel industry journal of movers and shakers in the fields, hoed its last horse apple Friday.  Yearly subscribers reported it was unceremoniously murdered by penitentiary inmates after a failure to release multilingual editions inspired a coordinated old fashioned revolt from bondage in penal institutions across the United States at the ball and chain age of two hundred and twenty-two.

National archives captiously respect them as the fountain of sadomasochistic inspiration for the creation of the internal revenue service.  Campaigning politicians admiringly refer to them as a patriot publication promoting unpaid internships being as American as apple pie.  For the prison industrial complex that pay them to do their dirty work, the serialized trade illustrates the helots in their underbelly should only be allowed to go to college to pick up their master’s degree.

According to lore, Slaves Digest meekly premiered on a select number of dinner napkins in a formative collection highlighting cross country gossip and old man’s tales of practical techniques to reduce carpel tunnel while whipping.  Barry McKockiner, it’s founder, dedicated the first issue to the memory of his father, whose misdiagnosed rheumatism prognosis ended his career as an overseer and contributed to his subsequent suicide after being blackballed as a cripple.

Functioning alcoholics were the digest’s first marketing team.  An improvement on discipling animals and slaves alike was noticeable to owners who refused to provide benefits for strains and sprain related injuries; the Regional Association With Appetites For Slave Owning, excited about their content, graciously donated a parcel of soiled slop jar napkins and broken down niggers too old to work the fields to help Slave Digest with new subscriptions and fulfillment.  

The first fifty years were quite profitable, free labor and an endless supply of free content allowed Slaves Digest to take a good market share of barely literate overseers and expand sales to newsstands by slave auctions.  Medical professionals became interested in the periodical, prompting the eventual transition into covering overseer health and wellness topics of casual conversation only discussed after their timely deaths.

A pesky civil war and subsequent emancipation of Black Americans did little to slow sales.  Expanding their ever growing content, Slaves Digest embraced soldier contributions on modern shackling techniques of prisoners and tips on bonding with their whips.  Credited with aiding the the north and south to bury the hatchet after the war ended, the new contributions solidified the journal as an unbiased news source that catered to the working man fighting the good fight.

As former slaves gradually became educated while reconstruction morphed into one hundred years of Jim Crow, Slave Digest blurred the color line of contributions allowing freedmen to contribute homemade recipes for citizens refused medical treatment which became popular.  One such slave that prevented dying from a thousand infected cuts from thorns and other cultivated crops was quicky stolen, copywritten and trademarked, denying their estates royalties forever.

After the death of their founder and newly acquired money from involuntary freedmen contributions, Slaves Digest upgraded its status via a holy alliance partnership with the prison industrial complex.  Spearheaded by the Democrat’s investment into domestic terrorists organizations like the Knights of the White Chameleon to exploitatively staff labor for industrialization gains, their dominance as the only magazine in American homes prevailed.

Success was outward coming into the 20^th century as readership grew like wildfire; printing presses allowed for an expansion that handsewn rags used in typewriters couldn’t reach.  Socially relevant on a slant, issues highlighting social ills of the day such as making flame retardant crosses on a budget, dealing with noose elbow during lynching exercises, and tips on how to use petrified horse apples as an adequate substitute for coal before, during, and after both World Wars and Korea propelled the periodical to working middle class prominence.

As racial tensions grew in the turbulent sixties and the television industry curtailed the public’s attention at reading, Slaves Digest turned its demographic attentions towards the incarcerated population.  Thanks in part to Nixon’s Southern Strategy policies that overwhelmingly targeting hippies, Black America, and Hispanics, readership increased by one million percent from 1970-2000. 

Sources say McKockiner’s great-grandson Harry, a former junkie turned inherited proprietor after probation following a ten year stint, decided on the change from his own experiences seeing guards and inmates alike thirsty for content that explored their human condition behind walls.  Heading into their 190^th anniversary, Slaves Digest brought the woes of prison life center stage, catering to the needs of the attempted escaped and their underpaid tormentors.

Wardens accused their new themes as being unbalanced while giving voices to all sides of the modern prison industrial complex.  Historically plagiaristic, they stole all correspondence and republished it as original material.  This era featured more how-to pieces, especially from the latest do’s and don’ts in homemade shank creation, moonshine recipes from fruit peels and urine, and the ever changing methods of detecting them without metal detectors or pat downs.

Former subscribers say the holiday themed issues on smuggling was the beginning of the end for the magazine; hundreds prison gangs were less than thrilled to find their decades tried methods for moving and distributing drugs and other contraband exposed without the benefit of being translated into a pigeon language they could minimally understand.  After explicit warnings in chicken scratch went ignored, several outfits instructed their free counterparts on the outside to destroy any and all copies from shelves and mailboxes that were rotating in circulation.

Slaves Digest died a fiery death after their primary demographic terrorized bookstores and newsstands across the country, destroying its credibility.  Postal workers petitioned the federal government to intervene after several mail boxes and mail carriers were viciously attacked for possessing their literature; executive orders and subsequent lawsuits that destroyed their bottom line taxed them right out of business.  Their sudden death is a staunch reminder that the outside doesn’t run the streets, the inside does.  Law enforcement has encouraged any bearers of surviving copies to destroy them for their own safety.