The Last Call Of Lord MacDuff

Lord MacDuff of Alba, the Thane of Fife who bolstered taking a knee before Colin Kaepernick or Tonya Harding, scored his way to the tomb Sunday according to lore and prophecy.  He was found dead in One Eye’s Growl Bar holding a cup of potato spore mead after failing to pay the Wayward Sisters on a gambling debt left more double betting toil and trouble than he anticipated at the pay to play age of 23.

Vestigial lieges recall him as a peg legged athlete more suited for working in an M&M factory until being fired for throwing away W-lettered candies.  Family members not tortured to death fondly expound him as a dumb blonde who weighed more than the average felon proving the pros outweighed the cons.  For the fans of his team hoping his end would come from dancing in the moonlight with pestilence, close friends are relieved his death didn’t come from cross species sexual diseases with animals.

An only child born of a forced abortion during a shortage of knights, MacDuff was raised in the company of athletic royal psychopaths.  Raised by everyone but his parents who were busy establishing the first Thane Crossfit into the royal court, his primary years were spent stomping squash in preparation for compulsory military service by his seventh birthday.  A conditioning exercise kicking boulders up hills brought him to the attention of the legendary King Duncan, owner of the Scotland Scarps soccer club and sole reigning undefeated team in the Cauldron Cup. 

Sensing he was special playing with a broken fibula and taking the pain, MacDuff was kidnapped and forced into involuntary athletic servitude as a cannon fodder for his star players to practice dirty moves on.  Torture, a bum knee, and the threat of impending death should he not do as he was told afforded him the luxury of working his way into the fold as one of King Duncan’s most trusted sweepers. 

Sources proclaim his competitive edge came from lack of proper medical treatment, a club foot wrought with tetanus, and the ability to create happy accidents for fellow star teammates Banquo and MacBeth to capitalize on,  In part to his handicapped playing style MacDuff helped solidify a three peat championship win for his ballclub.

Considered a valuable asset to the reign of King Duncan, general management duo Malcolm and Donalbain gave him a starting spot in their seasonal lineup on left defense.  Fans say the unpopular decision made waves throughout the Scarps’ roster.  MacDonwald and the Thane of Cawdor, two of the team’s best midfielders, immediately requested a trade for being skipped over, winding up in Norway and Ireland respectively. 

After news broke that his former teammates disclosed their team strategy and playbook to their worst enemies, MacDuff was eager to settle the score on the battlefield.  He led in assisted scoring and injuries for every scrimmage of the year, helping Banquo and MacBeth lead the Scarps into decimating the ranks of the Norway Nickles and Sightin’ Irish into a near impossible recovery and securing another definitive blowout in the Kettle Cup. 

MacDuff was on top of the world going into the offseason until a non-consensual orgy with two sheep during his team’s victorious celebration coincided with the murder of his franchise’s owner.  Initially disgraced as a sheep peep MacDuff was afforded a reprieve when fleeing general management, the murder of star player Banquo, and the scandal of MacBeth orchestrating the demise of the Scarps and forming the rival Betheney ballclub drowned out his own negative publicity.

With his team in shambles MacDuff piecemealed his beloved franchise back together with gutter rats and members of his father’s Thane Crossfit.  With no training and taking on a role as player coach MacDuff challenged MacBeth to a clockless exhibition game to settle scores.  Attendees say the game was a tiresome bore, with not even MacDuff’s knee bone snapping and protruding outward after involuntarily beheading MacBeth as the latter attempted to block his power slide to the goal could add any excitement to the game.

Praised for his brevity winning the battle but fighting a nasty bout of gangrene that made him lose the war, MacDuff retired in defeat.  In part to efforts by fans that were hoping to see him tear his own leg off in frustration he was named the new owner of the Scarps.  The excitement was short lived; the once former gladiator of goals was scorned and cursed by fans halfway through the year as the Scarps undefeated reign came to a screeching halt. 

Rumors floated he intentionally trashed his team so he could cheat during compulsive gambling episodes.  Fans doxed his financial woes, revealing he was vicariously exploited by the Wayward Sisters into placing bets which they prophesized.  Defeated, he succumbed to a mental breakdown that led him back to the church for spiritual direction.  His renewed faith resulted into a failed break in attempt at his church which left him caught by the organ.  Former sources that have since been burned at the stake claim MacDuff was transcribed to steal a golden chalice as payment on a defaulted bet he owed his loan sharks.  Under pressure by religious fanatics he was excommunicated and left to find God in the swirl of slopping foam at the local pub.

Lord MacDuff bought the goal post holding a cup of swill piss not fit for a wino.  Details are confusing but reports claim the Wayward Sisters were the last seen with him squeezed frog excretions and pigeon droppings into his mead when he wasn’t looking.  He was found petrified a short time later, bereft of oxygen.  The Scarfs took custody of his body and autopsy; in an official statement they declared his death a relief brought on by a failed career adventure.  His death is a staunch reminder that thanks can be to God for the wins but the witches want their due for the losses.  His remains will be set ablaze in the Thane river Monday night.