The Hash Is Slathered To The Browns ????-2022

The Career Formerly Known as Jennifer Lawrence’s aka Acting Hubris, who showcased its dynamic range and racism for well over a century in film and television, unceremoniously died today without ever having won any awards including a Razzie.  Local outlets contributed it’s sudden death to backlash caused by riots after a terrible interview in an undisclosed culinary magazine claimed it was also the first to ever cook hash browns at a Waffle House at an undisclosed age.

Fans from the silent generation cloudily remember Acting Hubris starting modestly in the silent era as one of the blackface domestic terrorists in D.W. Griffith’s Birth Of A Nation.  Baby Boomers coughing up a lung in disgust recall its pioneering era playing a character called Shemp on The Three Stooges.  For the hippies that took acid and don’t remember much after the summer of love, Acting Hubris crashed and burned after breaking down barriers playing the effeminate raceless black lead in Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner, of which it won no Academy Award.

As an omnipotent entity that has went through many reincarnations, Acting Hubris was born accidentally during an incarceration stint protesting alongside the Iron Jawed Angels for women’s right to vote.  As part of a work release program to remove it from the east coast Acting Hubris was sent west, where D.W. Griffith was actively looking for every white person in California to be in his film.  After almost overlooking it at the Five and Dime spilling a malt, a star was born.

Being a frolicking minstrel came as natural as having a menstrual cycle; the performance as Darkie #2 brought international acclaim and plenty of film roles.  Old Hollywood hags say the part came to the attention of Oscar Micheaux, who casted Acting Hubris as Mulatto #4 in his response film Within Our Gates.  Despite a blackballed release, the performance guaranteed steady work throughout the roaring twenties and thirties as an in demand face in heavy makeup.

Critics say the invention of the talkies shifted Acting Hubris’s trajectory into Susan Lucci syndrome of almost nominated, never winning award territory well into the 2000s.  Despite no formal theatrical training, a last minute cast change in The Jazz Singer propelled it to superstardom.  Securing the role of Al Jolsen, Acting Hubris showed depth in a riveting blackface musical number that Black America ignored until Ben Vereen insidiously gave homage to it in front of then President Ronald Reagan at his inaugural decades later.

Talking pictures gave way to better actors, putting Acting Hubris out of the limelight and into a supporting co-star role to pay bills.  Billed as a former blackface second banana roles coming in never went beyond a musical number in a western.  Television was on the horizon and with nothing to lose Acting Hubris took the leap and made small screen history being the first woman on television playing a character called Betty White in Life With Elizabeth.

According to bewildered fans, television wasn’t steady work and led Acting Hubris into venturing abroad and eventually being casted in the Hammer horror films.  Playing the campy Christopher Lee in the anything but scary cultish vampire series, Acting Hubris was able to rebuild its image in a lead role, eventually transitioning over into the budding Blaxploitation genre that was increasingly becoming popular in drive-ins across the United States in the early 1970s.

Court documents say after signing a seven year contract with American International Pictures, pivotal parts playing Pam Grier in Coffy, Foxy Brown, Friday Foster, and Sheba Baby brought fame and the achievement of being in the first blackface female lead role of a box office hit.  Capitalizing on the success of cheating real black women out of roles, Acting Hubris continued making history in the 1970s by becoming the first lead action star and villain in the same picture, playing Tamara Dobson and Shelly Winters together in Cleopatra Jones as well as Tamara Dobson and Stella Stevens in the poorly received Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold.

The mid to late 1970s triggered a slowdown in output; outside of playing Donna Summer in Thank God It’s Friday in a role that poorly showcased any disco singing chops to be had and a tiny role being killed in an uncredited cameo on Kojak, Hollywood had stopped calling.  Not one to take no for an answer, Acting Hubris knocked on doors for seven years looking for the right part that brought it back to the fold. 

A bad dinner date with Steven Spielberg was just the lucky break Acting Hubris needed to secure the four main female roles in a low budget adaptation of The Color Purple.  Playing Whoopi Goldberg, Margaret Avery, Rae Dawn Chong, and Oprah Winfrey riveted critics and naysayers alike into agreeing it was the modern blackface performance of a lifetime and a spent opportunity that would never present it with any opportunities as a lead and supporting woman again.

With no roles coming in Acting Hubris shifted gears back to television, reinvigorating lost interest into the television culinary world.  Playing Justin Wilson, the show delved into the wonderful southern cuisine flavors Acting Hubris experienced on set through Kraft services.  A surprise hit on PBS, the show spawned a brand that completely lied about Acting Hubris’s background as a chef but survived long enough for fans to forget that by the time it made it to Food Network.

The Career Formerly Known as Jennifer Lawrence’s dropped flat like day old beer after a recent interview in which it mentioned it was the first to ever cook hash browns at a Waffle House, provoking riots that spilled over from backlash on social media.  Poorly paid assistants out of a gig say they attempted to warn of the dangers of messing with people’s Waffle House lore but was ignored on the basis of white privilege.  It’s subliminal death is a staunch reminder that blatant lies to put respect on your name will get your Acting Hubris got every time.