This Satirical News Blip Was 1st Featured On HumorOutcasts as Gwendolyn L. Spelvin.

Chug-A-Lugging to reach a student’s highest potential is the latest breakthrough in learning.  Photo: US Department of Common Core.

Anyone in academia will tell you that Common Core is the stuff cancer originates from.  It’s a one size fits all curriculum that ensures no child is left behind ever, even if their dumb asses should be.  After all, when Common Core math tells you 9+2 somehow equals 10 and can make you believe the hype, Houston, we have a problem.

Like shuffleboard on a cruise ship, it lacks critical thinking components to provoke enough independent thought to realize it’s bad for you.  For everyone involved in the classroom it’s boring as hell, especially to the little people with so much energy and no outlet to release it.  A recent survey done by administrators found the root of all Common Core evil comes from the kindergarten trouble hot spot. 

Let’s give the overpaid administrator’s credit.  They’ve worked hard to keep our kindergarten students on the straight and narrow.  Their insight now prepares kindergarten students to the real world perils of academia; a grandiose elimination of naps, restroom breaks, snack, story, and play times, including recess and games.  Nothing but the Bell Curve to save them now on quizzes, tests, and homework.

Like older age students, the stresses of academia are enough to challenge even the strongest of minds, and not every kindergarten is holding up to the pressure.  Many are bored, frustrated, disinterested.  Overmedicating on attention deficit related prescriptions isn’t working either.  Administrators are getting their asses crucified that Kindergarten Common Core scores are over 60% lower than all of K-12 combined with no improvement in sight. 

Enter The Drinking Games

That’s right, liquor.  Curriculum administrators feel this new component to Kindergarten Common Core is the best way to acclimate the low attention span of bored students.  Still in its infancy, drinking games are considered to be a prescribed approach of getting the right answer, emphasizing a penalty for incorrectly solving the problem in the way Common Core tells you it should work.  Ideally, this gives the students the physical casualty of feeling sick while inspiring them to create an avoidance strategy to potential discomfort.

As preposterous as it sounds, it seems to be working.  Test groups around the country have seen significant improvement within their Kindergarten classes within control limits, primarily in the southern states.  Studies have shown that the Alphabet Game and the Name Game seems to be the most progress, with kindergarten students rapidly retaining core language skills and geographic locations as well as that of a third grader. 

But Liquor Is Expensive

Liquor can be quite costly, that’s for sure.  However, in an effort to take the burden off of the taxpayers, American alcohol companies have partnered up with the Department of Common Core to sponsor all additional spirits needed into students achieving academic prowess as well as good health.  Diet and/or unsweetened varieties of liquors are available based on their medical histories. 

Sponsorship companies include both national and independent breweries of beer, whiskey, gin, and rum, among others, giving classroom educators the ability to use stronger, less palatable spirits on more disruptive or disassociated students at their own discretion. 

A complete list of sponsoring companies can be found at hxxp:// for further information. 

So Far So Good

As much as the critics will cry foul that this strategy is promoting childhood alcoholism amongst its most vulnerable citizens, no one can argue it appears to get their minds on track to learn how to deal with the boredom and bullshit they will face in the working world.  No one can deny you’re never too young or old to start learning how to deal with those surveys on every application.

According to curriculum research and data, engaging the achievement standards of this demographic through drinking games will compensate America’s downturned academic standards on the world stage.  It will also generate superiority over the U.S.’s economic competitiveness against China by the time the kindergarten class is of working age.

Common Core, like cancer, is far from having a cure released to the public, but drinking games seem to be a step in the right direction of teaching standards in fun, numbed out ways.  Those who claim this method is making brain dead workers haven’t sat in a classroom for decades.

After all, it’s best if the kindergarten kids take it on the chin now, so they can know how to hold their liquor marbles later.