This Satirical News Blip Was 1st Featured On HumorOutcasts as Gwendolyn L. Spelvin.

Man’s best friend is getting in the way of man’s best free extra-curricular activities.

Normally I would be satirizing the fact that Michigan is determined to throw 99.9% of its population into jail for sexual exploration.  Sadly, the truth is stranger than any fiction I can come up with.  This piece is just going to be an evaluating opinion of insanity as this affects us all.  I mean, it’s not every day when an orgasm can get you 15 years in jail.

Please note than as a Midwest chick I hold my head in shame that this could happen this far up north and gladly am willing to secede Michigan to a Bible Belt state immediately.

While frolicking on news feeds I stumbled literally on Huffington Post Queer Voices.  That right there had me; back in the day to call somebody queer regardless of sexual orientation was an immediate knuckle up moment.  Right up there with calling someone’s mother a bitch.  Albeit strange, I continued my exploration into the article praying like hell this was going to be a joke.

HPQV writer Curtis Wong had an article up entitled ‘You Could Go To Prison For Performing Oral Or Anal Sex In Michigan’ with a cute tag that stated ‘All thanks to a bill that’s intended to criminalize animal cruelty’.  I felt the eyebrow raise a little.  It was a lot to take in right there.  Mostly importantly I wanted to make sure it wasn’t really good satire; sadly, it was for real.

A lot of thoughts raced through my mind, most importantly cancelling my tourist trip to Detroit to see the ruins.  I also thought about all the Lovers Lanes closing out of their workers getting arrested for conspiracy in aiding and abetting consensual illegal sexual acts and the 70% sale going with it.

The article made me spend about a good two hours researching the situation, and what I discovered was definitely shocking to say the least.  While declared unconstitutional since 2003, Michigan still has a sodomy ban; sodomy is considered by decree “the abominable and detestable crime against nature”.  But I’ll get back to that in a minute.

For obvious reasons gay men are definitely going to be easy marks on a cop’s sexually profiled list.  But the kicker is that in Michigan, sodomy bans also make oral sex and “other sex acts” illegal.  Excuse me?

What the hell is “other sex acts” because inquiring minds want to know?  Who interprets what these acts are and how they are enforced?  Does this include masturbation since that would completely imprison over 90% of the teenage population and those with a dresser drawer full of rabbits in the state alone?  What about threesomes?  Swingers parties?  Foreplay?  Watching porn?  Making porn?  Buying condoms?  Using condoms?  Regardless of what you are personally into behind closed or open doors, how far down the hole does this vague shit go before the silver bracelets come out and throw you on the cellblock?

Michigan is one of 12 states who refused to remove the law in its precise definition from its books.  Must be nice to be the only northern state in the company of Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Michigan, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and Utah on this matter.

I love getting head.  Yeah, I said it Michigan.  It gives me life, especially in the morning and sometimes for brunch.  Let’s call a spade a spade; most people regardless of gender that have come of age post the sexual revolution enjoy it on a regular.  So are we talking conspiracy to give, receive, or both, because that would definitely overrun your prisons within a 24-hour period. 

And that would make getting an orgasm definitely illegal as a consequence every time. Orgasms are good, but damn.  A multiple orgasm would have you on lock down for a good 30 years let Michigan define it in their “other sex acts”.

So from my understanding, this got kicked off because a bill called Logan’s Law, designed to stop people from abusing their furry friends, turned into an update of an old 1800s sex law apparently still being enforced on the books, albeit unconstitutional.  All thanks to Republican State Senator Rick Jones, who threw the little clause in the bill before the senate passed it and the public read it.

Senate Bill 291 states that“a person who commits the abominable and detestable crime against nature either with mankind or with any animal is guilty of a felony” punishable by up to 15 years in prison.  This to me implies that man and animal are on the same level of beast mode there, and not in a sexy kind of a way either. 

I don’t like the verbiage “with mankind”.  That includes everybody, whether you’re straight or representative of LGBTQQAI.  Virgins, abstinents, and celibates would get caught up in this.  But by the contextual clues of this, torturing an animal is equal to sex outside of missionary, either by yourself or with others.  Indiscriminate consensual sex acts are feloniously equal if not more torturing than beating a poor defenseless animal.  Gotcha.

Sen. Jones was interviewed and asked about his little handiwork.  His response was backpeddling bullshit about it being necessary to get the dog bill passed and he didn’t want to be the one to mess it up.  What the hell?  Since when does getting a nut fall under the spectrum of beating a dog?  Most folks are not running amuck choking the chicken, literally. 

Sexual tastes aside, how could Michigan, in the middle of letting people suffer without water in Flint, have the time to blend in animal cruelty with alternative sexual preferences?  What?!?!?  The people in the state of Michigan must be proud their politicians care more for what’s going on in their bedrooms than those people drinking lead. 

You can’t even make this shit up even if you tried.