The ass that drips will be your own now.

By Gwendolyn L. Spelvin

After public pressure from victim’s rights groups who were casualties of non-predatory and non-violent sex crimes, President Barack Obama on Thursday signed into law the latest legislation designed to pre-emptively deter explorative fondling.

Aptly named after a popular consumer toilet tissue, Charmin’s Law indiscriminately outlaws any and all bathroom related touching associated with bodily function elimination, premeditated or not, in public or private latrine facilities.

Sponsored by Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, the law had full bipartisan support in Congress.  Cruz was insistent on the bill after witnessing what he calls inappropriate public fondling in the bathroom since being on the campaign trail.

“Children learn from the example from their parents.  If the father is touching himself to relieve his bladder, then his son will follow suit,” said Cruz.  “Curiosity leads people to explore darker stuff.  We have to make America strong by discouraging sexual depravity in private to prevent it in public.”

As of now Charmin’s Law is a tier three offense sex crime.  Tier three offenders are considered in the highest probability of re-offense with the lowest percentage of rehabilitation.  Offenders convicted will receive a Class C felony for each charge given and be required to register weekly on the National Sex Offender database for life.

All fifty states will be required by federal mandate to place offenders in their jurisdiction on the sex offender registration list regardless of age.  Juveniles are tried as adults as early as two years of age and must be registered upon conviction.

Law enforcement agencies around the country state the highest demographic of arrests are those potty training between the ages of 2-5.  The overwhelming amount of offenders has forced police departments to form special toilet paper units assigned to daycare and preschool facilities to enforce the law.

Parent groups across the country are supportive of the law.  Jan and Dan Martin, who pushed for the legislation after their two-year-old failed to stop touching and flashing during potty training at daycare, says the new law is a step in the right direction of bringing America’s morals back and keeping children safe.

“There is no reason to look and touch to do your business; it just pushes the boundaries of sexual perversion.  We stopped the cycle our parents taught us under the guise of hygiene,” Jan Martin said.  “Our children’s future depends on our discipline to curtail wanton hypersexuality.”

“Being on the sex offender list will teach out son down the road that being young is no excuse for delinquency.” Dan Martin commented.  “I hope he learns being in our great society is a privilege with rules you follow.  Second chances are a privilege when you have to touch yourself to pee.”

Toilet tissue manufacturers have also lent their support and endorsement of the law.  The Toilet Paper Associate of America, a group comprised of over 100 toilet paper manufacturers, released an official statement on behalf of charter members that reinforced they are family friendly biodegradable companies with products never designed for lower extremities.

The Martins are not alone; other national advocacy groups for harsher sex offender laws find the law is a sufficient incentive to prohibit would be sexual predators in the future.  Richard Bates, spokesman for Humans Against Wiping, said that Charmin’s Law is the only way to force parents to break their dependency on items that influence their child to experiment with in physical development.

“Toilet paper is a silent predator.  It destroys children’s innocence by teaching them from diapers it’s okay to grope their genitals.  When they get older you have a sexual monster on your hands because of negligible curiosity of comparing body parts with their statutory peers.  This is the root five-year-old voyeur molesters in the preschool class.” Bates said in a press conference.

Toilet tissue manufacturers are in full support and endorsement of the law, citing that their products were never made for lewd and lascivious conduct.  The Toilet Paper Association released an official statement saying charter members are family friendly biodegradable companies that would never endorse sexual proclivities with their products whatsoever.

“The TPA would like to reassure the public that all roll tissue related products were never meant to be used nor endorsed as aids for lower extremity uses.  Our products are expendable toilet bowl friendly cleaners for spills and stains.” said an unnamed spokesman at a press conference.