The Last Stomped Out Grape 1973-2022

Harry Goomba, the Japtalian activist best known for creating the hashtag shitake lives matter, turned ripe for the last time Tuesday.  Co-workers that had planned on cannibalizing him as the main vegetable alongside reptilian enemy carcasses disappointingly reported his remains were found squished beyond recognition after a spirited line dance in a celebratory mosh pit during the reinstatement coronation for the royal kingdom at the indeterminate age of 49.

Former castle bosses barely remembered Goomba as the retarded moron that put his iPhone into a blender to make apple juice for cocktails.  Archnemesis who slaughtered entire generations of his kind splittingly recall him being the dumbest mushroom in captivity that boldly bought a brown cow solely for having chocolate milk on tap at the source.  For the fans of the properties he appeared in, his squishy sides stuck on their shoe after the ending credits is a reminder to wipe their feet before entering their homes.

One of twenty-seven identical spored fungus among us in a petri dish, Goomba was born into the hard life of the fabled Mushroom Kingdom.  According to a nasty sun that refused to shine it’s inhabitants stayed at a state of perpetual war due to distant reptilian neighbors quest to satiate their bestiality desires with the rulers of the Mushroom World.  After the reptilian invasion of each world his family pledged their loyalty to the enemy.  Being trained to do nothing but walk in cadence Goomba and his family were forced into military enlistment to be of use.

With a childhood devoid of any potential educational pursuits that didn’t include learning how to hop inside of a green lunch sack, Goomba found himself stationed germanely in infantry.  Former squadron leaders say his lack of super powers, flying ability, and natural camouflage were the initial justification for him being stationed on Desert Land.  Proving he was more than a mushroom and a smile Goomba’s perfect cadence and undeniable balance earned him a reassignment to the coin castle for guard duty in Pipe Land. 

Former enlisted enemies from Water Land say Goomba rarely saw combat even as illegal immigrants from Italy requisitioned by the Mushroom Kingdom were given free reign to be mercenaries and push their war of attrition to reimpose the monarchy over eight worlds.  The change in hostilities merged him with acquaintances in other parts of the plant based world; military sources say once orders came down that the social hierarchy of cannon fodder was plant based defense, Goomba did as much as he could do to avoid being sent to slaughter. 

With an encroaching line of oppositional attacks going across the land, Goomba was able to call in favors with reptilian shelled paratroopers to get reassigned out of harms way into Pipe Land.  According to his military records his size and impeccable marching coordination made him an instant favorite for stealth attacks from non-warped triggered pipes.  Once the war came ashore, Goomba went missing in action and for a time presumed dead as his platoon was reported destroyed in a Japtalian stomping slaughter by two plumbers with super powers.

Rumor has it Goomba was working on a trench pipe when the battle took place; taking full advantage of the chaos and destruction he fell back and took refuge in the castle of infinite coins.  Before it was invaded and eventually destroyed by rival forces, Goomba reportedly had stolen and smuggled out well over a million coins through the intricate pipe system back to his world, as well as procuring ninety-nine enemy charms for a rainy day.

According to classified government documents, Goomba used his newly acquired wealth to attain a top spy position to ensure the safety of his family; half of his scribe spores had been killed in battle by that point, including a father and uncle paratrooper team that exploded from fireball impact carrying fifty-five micro siblings.  Official reports credit his spy work as an unsuspecting double agent in the reptilian ruling elite losing seven airships and twelve castle checkpoints, which severely crippled their influence in the war effort.

At some point he remerged on the front lines of Dark Land towards the end of the war with no questions or tests to confirm his identity alongside thousands of identical mushroom troopers.  Supplies and munitions were all but gone, as well as support from the native inhabitants of the land as the reptilian dominion shrunk to their royal castle.  By the time of liberation day, Goomba was reportedly wounded with shrapnel and discharged on the grounds of post traumatic spore syndrome.

Classified documents proclaim the injury was a cover story to hide his assistance to the Japtalians which singlehandedly led to the final throne battle that left the reptilian king dead and his children captured for war crimes.  With celebrations in the air Goomba reunited with the remaining mushrooms and prepared for the reinstatement of his local monarchy while making plans with surviving soldiers he was close to in order to transition into a life of being a for hire mercenary.

Attendees to the kingdom celebration say plenty of hooch and festering war resentments led some of the toad community to spike all drinks of the mushroom community with the nefarious intent to cook and eat them as part of the coronation.  Clueless to the plan, Goomba and his people merrily drank and ate acid drugged spiked libations that rendered them in a catatonic inebriation.  As soon as the invincible theme song began the toads began the deadly circle with the intent on provoking a stampede.

Harry Goomba was squished to death from complications of a deadly mosh pit that led to him being stomped beyond recognition.  No one knows which toad was responsible as eyewitnesses reported their speed of movement was so quick that it appeared as a blur to the naked eye. His death is a staunch reminder that all the money in the free world can’t stop loose shit from being slippery when wet.  His funeral is next Sunday.