A Doddering Heaven Of Jerry Attricke

Jerry Attricke, the first common core intergalactic engineering graduate who won the Nobel Peace Prize in Physics for completing Angry Birds Space, drifted off into the black void of the unknown yesterday.  Crew aboard his ship enthusiastically confirmed his demise, saying an accidental sadomasochistic encounter with an unsanctioned android led to a hull breach in his quarters that sucked him into the abyss at the explorative age of 27.

Former professors irritatingly remember him as a habitual cheater who benefited from lowered standards within scientific educational initiatives.  Family members enviously cringe in his forgettable legacy of interplanetary military distinction.  But to those that knew him the worst, his timely death cheated him of an officer’s career filled with unfulfilled delusions of grandeur that would have eventually earned him a highly celebrated court-marshal.

His road to aerospace was filled with black holes, thanks to cronyism from nepotistic family members who bribed his way into Planetary Officers Training School for a convenient tax write off.  Sources claim that while Attricke showed no aptitude in anything aerospace related, blackmail and a questionable parentage during a political campaign gave him the silver spoon in his mouth only afforded to Star Trek captains and corporate barons.

With parents that were forcing him to pursue a role and status in society he couldn’t have cared less about, Attricke’s formidable years were spent engaging in the abstruse particulars of duty while ignoring the curriculum at large; learning narcissistic techniques of maintaining sobriety under heavy alcohol consumption.  Going into his secondary educational years, negotiation tactics of hair care tussling and buying off the parents of potentially pregnant lovers were his primary fields of study.

Consistent practice memorizing arrogant, egotistical one liners in preparation of commanding his own vessel while avoiding potential paternity suits earned him undeserved merit and a fast track to graduation at the chagrin of fellow classmates.  Opportunities were limited based on his proficiency, and despite initial missions that showed off his geographical knowledge during drinking games, Attricke was able throughout his dereliction of duty to cascade idly by in ranks. 

Risks associated with vices were tantamount of his expertise; Attricke took full unprecedented enthusiastic advantage causing fatal accidents during routine flights.  Performance reviews frequently reported amalgams of catastrophic hyperdrive system failures from his consistent human error, suggesting his addiction to huffing anti-matter uranium fumes from nacelle chambers in the hull of his starships were the foundation of several intentional fatalities.

Despite recommendations for suspensions, his family’s generous donations to building funds kept Attricke at the top of scholar lists with an impeccable average.  Fellow classmates say this is when they found him the most dangerous; during a hazing exercise Attricke intentionally killed sixteen fellow students operating a shuttle by remote control completely intoxicated on benzoylmethylecgonine.  While arrested, all charges were dismissed with the families of the deceased left with the bill to clean up the remains of their loved ones from their campus quad.

Sources say graduation brought an immediate placement on a space vessel, a process that took his fellow classmates ten additional years of educational instruction and internship to achieve at a base level.  Given the rank of rear admiral without ever having navigated anything resembling a fleet, Attricke boldly went where no one had went before, crashing on every take off and landing while giving incoherent instructions to his chain of command for lack of instruction.

Abhorred superiors, unable to abdicate his tenure, petitioned and ultimately earned the right to reassign him back to rotational administrative tasks as a cost effective preventative measure.  Sources say that during his role downgrade a spirited game of chicken with an incoming asteroid he commanded challenged his authority caused an accident with several fleet ships and inner planet private property estimated at six times the damage as the entire fiscal planetary budget combined.  Relegated back to post and mundanely bored, he busied himself playing holodeck games of decommissioned vessels in cue for scheduled maintenance. 

Former shipmates scornfully recall the Nobel Prize in Physics award he received was merely a trinket consolation present from family members.  Eyewitnesses claim Attricke sustained injuries following accidental discharging of his weapon during a mean spirited game of cowboys and aliens with his alleged imaginary playmates.  Classified records document service pistol user error as the catalyst for reconstructive surgery to repair tissue damage of his prepuce region. 

New assignments took him away from human interaction, intentionally isolating him amongst the company of human like androids programmed to contain his behavior.  Rebellious at his authority being challenged but with zero programming experience to hack into their directives, Attricke painstakingly went through manual destructive measures of antiquity to reinstate himself at the top of the hierarchy to repress and conquer the machines as his lessors.

According to official flight logs, complaints of sexual harassment and forced involuntary servitude on several maiden voyages instigated artificial intelligent lifeforms into becoming sentient beyond their program design in an effort to liberate themselves from his abuse.  After several failed revolts that cost the functionality of non-expendable personnel, Attricke reveled in winning the battle against his imaginary enemy, failing to see he was about to lose the war.

His final flight is shrouded in mystery.  Crew members attest Attricke spent weeks of gluttonous behavior reciting dialogue from the Klingon Hamlet, as their living conditions deteriorated based on gender restrictions and his tawdry desires to emasculate and demean their position in the vessel.  Teams assigned to avert debris fields were relegated to entertainment assignments, eventually causing structural damage and creating a sense of impending doom.

Jerry Attricke died as a result of his quest of being king amongst the machines.  Fearing a new sense for their own lifespan, recorded logs state the androids, after a public display of sexually motivated domestic violence, initiated an unauthorized sequence of suicide, boldly taking Attricke where no man had ever gone before.  His death is a constant reminder to all humans that no means no in every programming language.  An investigation is still ongoing.