A Carnival Of Politics For Ben N. Sydem

Ben N. Sydem, the Whiggle party senator who famously lobbied a corporate bill to require Americans to have a license to break wind in public spaces, passed away Saturday sponsoring bills that had no chance in hell of ever being laws.  Politicians say he dropped harder than a gavel on the floor of Congress after a parasitic infection he refused to kill to appease insect rights lovers combined with sealing off his penis with industrial grade super glue resulted in a larvae blockage at the constipated age of 46.

Family members forced into a photo op earnestly reflect his life’s work was equal to that of a diaper that wasn’t changed regularly enough and both for the same reason.  Rivals vivaciously convey his political career to that of a road worker stealing from his job then going to his home and finding all the signs there.  For pundits that knew Sydem in chambers his untimely departure is like the American Dream, which is why the majority of his constituents were constantly asleep in order to believe it.

As one of two fraternal twin examples of why the rhythm method has nothing to do with musical groove, Sydem was born to a single mother in the military that successfully transitioned from a career huffing glue to driving five million dollar field tanks in less time than she took doing basic training.  His primary years were divided living in the best uptown squalor his mother’s rank provided while being constantly reminded alongside his sibling they were sons of bitches without a modicum of ironic tone.     

Sources say being the offspring of a private first class equipped him with the proper discipline of plausible deniability to master the art of misdirection when dealing with the public.  Watching officer behaviors in titty bars in Sri Lanka molded the impressionable youth into early sexual exploration, including denying any wrongdoing or paternity.  It was during these excursion exercises Sydem first became familiar with Whiggle party leaders who patriotically took a liking to him after threatening to cut a stripper’s titty off for not making change for the dollar he threw.

While still a legal tween Sydem and his sibling were sent to relatives in New England after his mother was incarcerated for supplying medical grade glue for a platoon gathering that resulted in an explosion from inebriated soldiers playing hot potato with a bouncing betty.  Rotated back to the world with a stable life, Sydem was forced into getting adequate employment to pay half of the rent in a closet he inhabited with his twin. 

Selling recycled tobacco he harvested from discarded cigarettes in the street brought him to the attention of Whiggle leader C. Mike Rack, who was impressed with his ability to potential spread social diseases to the masses via his entrepreneurial skills.  Office aides say Rack hired Sydem on the spot to recycle used tampons and prophylactics that could be used as evidence in potential litigations.  It was a job he was destined to do, quickly moving up the ranks to interim abortion matter remover within weeks.

Knowing how to keep his mouth shut, Sydem was fast tracked into the inner threshold of the Whiggle party.  In preparation for a life in office his education was fast tracked and paid for by the Whiggles, who spared no expense covering the costs of mail order diploma degrees with no accreditation that gave him both a divinity and law degree by age thirty-five.  Soon after his campaign was launched for the 69^th District previously known as a Babbling Brook in the poorest part of Appalachia country.   

After an upsetting unanimous win with no one else wanting the position Sydem was elected as a people’s champion that fought for every cause but theirs.  His first priority was championing for the rights of parasitic insects, a noble cause insect rights activists heralded as a courageous act of political ineptness for the now generation.  Leading by example, Sydem became an ethical parasitic host, allowing microscopic killers invading his intestines to help prove all life mattered.

On the popularity of his self-infected affliction Sydem shifted gears, turning his sights to  gaining national attention to the issues of nauseous gases produced by the bountiful poor, destituted downtrodden, and Hollywood cowboys from eating beans as an inexpensive staple to their diet.  With full support from the digestive and antacid lobby in abject bribery, Sydem made a stink about smells from one man salutes plaguing his constituency.

With a lot of press and a high profile case of a fetus dying from toxicity from its mother’s internal flatulence, he authored a controversial bill to stop the involuntary passing of gas by proposing a federal license to break wind in public spaces.  Public outrage sparked a town hall rally incident of irate citizens purposefully expelling White Castle influenced emanations at Sydem while proclaiming the expelling of gas a constitutional right under freedom of expression which cannot be infringed.

Leading by example Sydem publicly announced the holding in of his own flatulence.  His disciplined dedication help pass the bill into law proving to the masses justice obviously lost its sense of smell.  Whistleblowers say Sydem never recovered from the victory, as he was never able to get bipartisan support again for any other bills in part of a heightened body odor that deterred people from being in his presence from lack of regular toots.

Ben N. Sydem succumbed to complications of a parasitic infection worsened by sealing off his penis with industrial grade super glue to prohibit gas from escaping.  Autopsy reports show that the parasites inside of him feigned death from suffocation and built a larvae chamber for their next generation to go on, effectively shutting down his natural rotation of all bodily functions.  His all they could eat from the inside out death is a staunch reminder that some things are just meant to be rid of, or better out than in.  All surviving parasites will lay in state with him Tuesday.