No More Thumbs In The Dam 2000-2018

Sphincter Finger, the last independent imprint left specializing in exit only tales of terror and suspense, closed their bum book for the last time Saturday flashing the masses until stomachs turned.  Sources confirmed they broke their last pencil tip at a literary convention after a spirited illustration showing how Bum Lives Matter was taken out of context as going defcon one on the homeless at the guttural draft age of eighteen.

Butt plugs squinching in tight spaces squinchingly regard their book as a rest haven for old, talentless writers who are too old to make a worse living prostituting the old fashioned way.  Rivals falteringly canonize their output to proving that with or without a gun anal sex is for assholes.  For a faithful demographic that barely remembered they existed, their loss is akin to overdosing on Viagra and being left with the hardest day they will ever have in life.

According to medical records, Sphincter Finger was created when their founder, Lee Keyrear was trapped behind walls.  Magazines say he found himself in temporary incarceration after a scene with Vanessa Del Rio in a midget film landed him trapped inside her nether regions for several hours.  His time in the solitary of her confines gave him space to ponder his future and the inspiration to change career paths into literature as soon as he was released.

With his last paycheck and the support of work colleagues who were on stand by for medical results about potentially contracted sexually transmitted diseases, Keyrear launched his imprint.  His first release For Your Brown Eye Only was a spy mediocrity affair critics shared was a balls to the wall action tour de force that did more time wiping than checking the tissue for colored stains.  It later garnered a following from tissue paper fetishists not into golden showers.

With submissions pouring in and marginal interest in reading them, Keyrear jumped to the bowels of the independent scene with spy action thrillers featuring female heroines; the seminal The Tam Who Pawned Me, For Your Sly Pony, His Majesty’s Secret Pelvis, You Only Bleed Once A Month, and Dingles Are For Berries were scoffed at on release and climbed down the charts with a comeback seen at used book shops across the country for trade-in value of books people wanted to read. 

The quintessential Live And Let Cramp, considered by most to be the only definitive volume of coitus exploitation where women rule the rump, brought them national attention when Tipper Gore infamously made the novel her centerpiece for the Parents Book Resource Center.  Against his will, Keyrear was subpoenaed and forced to testify at open hearings where he mostly communicated in flatulent overtones to establish his right to freedom of release and expression.

According to anonymous congressional aides, Keyrear attempted a behind closed doors deal to trade cunnilingus in exchange for getting off Gore’s hit list.  After innocently mistaking the cleaning lady for Gore for the two having the same hair at his level of eyesight Sphincter Finger was made an example of, becoming the first independent imprint forced into having a parental advisory sleeved jacket covering previous, current, and future releases.

In part to a lucky break from Hunter S. Thompson famously quoting that he didn’t agree with pieces of shit being published but would defend the rights of pieces of shit to publish during a feature in Playboy Magazine, Sphincter Finger became famous for all the wrong reasons overnight.  Sales increased to seven and chain bookstores agreed to keep his book in the system and not stocked on their shelves, which was as good as Keyrear ever imagined things to be.

With his newfound celebrity Keyrear organized a book burning protest using Tipper Gore’s autobiography as cannon fodder.  Eyewitnesses who took extended breaks from smoke inhalation say they supported the right to stick it to the man but in retrospect probably would not have picked Woodstock 99 as a venue to have a bonfire to burn books in.  Commemorative marshmallows didn’t help smooth over irate participants using their bonfire base to burn the stage and trailers but it did help break the imprint into expanding into neglectful merchandising.

Coming into the 21st century nothing much changed for the imprint, who decided to keep their rag the same as it always was during their special time of the month.  Critics became harsher at their lack of political correctness to which they attributed the imprint lacked any publishing integrity at after publishing the toxic masculinity epic Men Never Men Again; according to Keyrear he double downed on his rancid raunch to keep his literary virginity intact.

Activism soon broke his publishing cherry; after several authors under his imprint became homeless after Amazon’s monopoly destroyed their distribution and made it impossible for them to make a living as independent writers, Keyrear began crowdfunding to support their writing endeavors from the curb.  The first campaign, which promised a copy of their entire output for a hundred dollar donation, raised a dollar with a pledge request to burn the collection.

Unmoved, Sphincter Finger took their show on the road, hitting literary cons in every city coast to coast.  Unfortunately, after a pin the tale on the bum drinking game turned into a drunken soapbox moment for the imprint, Karens and Chad writers across the hotel misconstrued a sexually suggestive illustration of Bum Lives Matter as sexual exploitation of the homeless, destroying Lee Keyrear’s publishing reputation faster than the liquor wore off.

Sphincter Finger shoved its last fist into the publishing glory hole from complications of being adults around politically correct snowflakes that only discuss rear entry points as a matter of clinical medical discourse.  Attendees say that what they witnesses bordered on literary rape without touching one orifice, and for being that uncensored the imprint deserved to be boycotted.  Their last thumb on the bum is a good reminder that no matter how hard an imprint tries, they can’t make people let them think inside their box.