Digital Homicide: A Common Core Game Developer
By Gwendolyn L. Spelvin
Anyone in game development will tell you that Common Core does not create the best innovators in the industry. No child left behind hopefuls are the cut, copy, and paste geniuses of tomorrow that rely heavily on templates for their contender titles. After all, when any loop or theme pack is available on a torrent, there is no need to know how to compose or sketch anything of quality.
Digital Homicide is a proud summa cum laude Common Core graduate.
The name says it all; players brave enough to try their games on the Steam store are immediately murdered by blatant copyright infringements of better and far superior games watered down for coma victims that have been unconscious for forty years. Recovery is minimal, and over 75% of patients never play indie games again. A recent survey done by developers found the root of all independent gaming evil stems from Digital Homicide, and their frivolous lawsuits.
Let’s give Digital Homicide credit. They’ve worked mighty hard with store-bought Unity assets that are easily available on any private torrent tracker. Their boastful achievements of manipulative hacking create titles without the faintest idea of what code is at the cost of those stupid enough to pay for it. Nothing but the Bell Curve to save them now on original programming.
Like every project dweller, the stresses of maintaining a roach invested domicile are enough to challenge even the strongest of cut, copy, and pasters, and Digital Homicide is not holding up to the pressure. With bored, frustrated, and disinterested fans, overblown hype from washed up YouTube Reviewers are all they have left to rake in the millions from defunct game titles they believe should have gotten them a bigtime deal at Konami.
Enter The Propaganda Games
Digital Homicide is so butt hurt over a Jim Sterling diss they filed a multi-million-dollar lawsuit against the one guy that looks like he can barely afford shoe rental in a bowling alley. Development on future titles must be great to start a GoFundMe campaign to find the best lawyer money can’t buy them to sue the one guy that comes off like he’s living out a past mid-life crisis as a SS officer. What a way to incorrectly solving a problem of bad reviews in the way Common Core taught you it should work.
As preposterous as it sounds, Jim Sterling is not a video game journalist, but thanks Digital Homicide for giving him a title the rest of us had to earn through hard work and academia. Great job making a vanishing and obscure washed up video blogger reinvent himself as the champion of critique had you paid him no attention. But hey, with titles like Ass Hole and a company url that ends with .ninja, I’m sure your PR team stays busy ensuring your brand stays top notch, right?
Hard Work Equals Big Bucks
Libel can be quite costly, that’s for sure. Suing Jim Sterling for $2,261,000 in Direct Product Damage, $4,300,00 in emotional, reputational, and financial distress, and an even $5,000,000 in punitive damages probably is enough for Digital Homicide to post on Craigslist the need for unpaid interns with coding experience on their brand new shiny Galaxy 7 without going broke. No one can ever say Common Core didn’t make better idiots with less than stellar math skills.
Sponsorship companies will be breaking down Digital Homicide doors to get in on the action of their undergraduate lab thesis demos to lead the industry revolution of superior conceptualization and dynamic gameplay.
Look out The Sims, E.L.T. (Extra Large Testicle) is coming for you. Move over Call of Juarez, Wyatt Derp is the new franchise in town as long as assets show up on the Unity store. House of the Dead was so arcade; Slaughtering Grounds is where it’s at! After all, who needs Dig Dug on an 8bit emulator, when you can get Ass Holes for pennies on Steam?
A Moron At Hand Is Worth Two Idiots In The Bush
It’s kind of hard to feel sorry for a game developer who sues for libel over bad reviews. Or when people want a refund for a ninety-nine cent title on Steam. Man up. People will forgive a craptastic shifest game if it’s fun and ride the bad title tide. Ask the fans of the Leisure Suit Larry franchise.
What they won’t forgive are games made on license free assets that impersonate classics. Or lawsuits that are a complete reminder of what a joke the American legal system is. Or making YouTube hacks overnight sensations with ad revenue. Not going to win you any E3 invites, buddy.
All publicity is not good publicity, people. Never in the history of gaming has a development house lacked the basic fundamentals of creating a decent game and used a lawsuit as a mechanism of promoting revenue disingenuously in its place from an insignificant review.
A thief’s a thief, right? Unity assets and all, its hard out here for a cut, copy, and paste pimp.
When Digital Homicide wins their lawsuit, I have two bridges for sale. One in San Francisco, and the other in Brooklyn. They might not look like much, but they make a great backdrop for game capture. Add something original to Ass Hole 2: Bigger Holes.
It’s always nice to think ahead.